Welcome to another week of the Smart Dad podcast. In this episode, faith without the fuss. There's a weird pressure that some Christian parents feel. It's like we think we're spiritual event planners. We're trying to get our kid to make the decision, say the prayer, check the box, get sprinkled, get dunked, get confirmed, post the picture.

and then we can breathe a sigh of relief. I've had friends who felt that too, that wait, that urgency.


It's like they think they have to answer their own questions. When's my kid gonna get saved? I'm supposed to help my kid become a Christian. Why hasn't she made a decision for Christ? Should he get baptized at camp this year? I'm really worried. What if he never converts? What if he never believes? What if she goes away? Here's the real question I wanna raise today. Are we teaching our kids to quote unquote

get saved or are we teaching our kids to walk with God daily? Are we chasing a moment, a highlight reel or are we modeling the lifestyle? It's kind of like only planning the wedding and never preparing for the marriage or in business only buying the company and never researching how to run the company because those are

two very different things. don't need more Christian kids who can point to some date on the calendar that they don't really remember or some external thing happened. The family was there, the friends were there. had an emotion. We need kids who grow up into adults who know how to die to self and live for God every day, every single day. And whatever the rhythm of their life is,

the calendar moments will show up in God's time and in God's way. So I do want you to know that milestones.

but not without momentum. It's like the dash on your tombstone. Birth date, death date, the dash. That's where everything happens. Milestones matter, but what's in between might matter more. In fact, it makes me think of years ago in the first house I bought, so it was between 1998 and 2005 because that's when we lived in this house. And I'll tell you what,


This pair of Mormon missionaries, elder so-and-so and elder so-and-so, polished, confident, 19 or 20 year old elders. We welcomed them in. fact, I would run through the house. The Mormons are coming, the Mormons are coming. Everybody get ready. They come up the steps. We'd bring them in. Hello, young man. Hello, sir. Shut the door behind and lock it. And I remember telling one of them,

yeah, I accepted Christ on June 19th, 1986. And in a condescending smirk, he said something like, well, I talked to a guy named Bubba yesterday and he said, yeah, I was saved back in this day or that day. But Bubba didn't live like a Christian either. And I don't know that you live like a Christian, sir. He mocked it. He was confident that my faith really didn't mean much because that's what he had seen in the world.

But I didn't flinch. I told him that day, that date on the calendar was the starting point. It was the moment I received perfection in God's eyes in heaven, but it was the moment my journey started to be sanctified on this side of heaven. And since that day, Elder, I've worked to live for Christ and die to self again and again and again.

The kids were there sitting around the table and that made it powerful. Those kids had seen me week after week. Welcome these Mormon missionaries into our home. Every Saturday they would come over. We would fill up their water bottles, offer them a peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We'd feed them. Sometimes they would accept it. Sometimes they wouldn't. We listened respectfully. And when the time came. I dropped the bomb. I called out their

Faulty theology, gently, firmly, biblically, mathematically, logically, to the point that one of these young men, literally right there at the kitchen table, started shaking. I, I, everything I believed, I questioned everything I believe. And I said, good, it's good to question your faith. That's how I got this far in my life. Needless to say, they brought in the big guns the next week.


And once we didn't convert, I guess they took us off the list. We never saw them again. That wasn't the point. The point was to communicate truth in love. And I told the kid, right, questioning my faith was how I owned it. So I've got a question for you dads. Have you ever questioned your faith, Protestant faith, your Catholic faith, your Orthodox faith, faith, your Mormon faith, what your Jewish faith?

your lack of faith in everything and anything. Have you ever questioned it?

I just said today at lunch with a friend, I don't judge any belief system by its worst adherence and I don't judge it by its best adherence. What I mean by that is some ax murderer who claims to be of a certain faith is not really a good example of that faith. And mother Teresa or Gandhi or whomever is probably also

level we really shouldn't compare to. So reality falls somewhere in between. So after those visits with the Mormons, I would sit down with my kids. I dissect. What did you hear? What did they say? What did they not say? Let's define the terms. What do they define as grace? grace is what God has to do when you've tried everything and fallen a little bit short. And I would ask them, is that what the Bible says? The Bible says all of your your good deeds.

or like a big old pile of dung, like a big old bloody rag that a woman sits on during her period. And that's your good deeds. So maybe their definition of grace was wrong. Maybe their definition of salvation, maybe their definition of Jesus. And we would walk through the details, the nuance, because that's what matters. There's a Bible verse, I think it's in Peter, and I would tell the kids, you have to have an answer.


for the faith that you have both in season and out of season. What that means is expect a faith question when you're having a faith conversation that's in season, but there might be times you're surprised. You have to be ready at that moment too. So they saw me living it out and they've gone to the high school and junior high beach retreats. They've seen me lead hundreds of students there. They've seen me.

in small group apologetics, debates and discussions. We're five to seven people and I'm handling the toughest intellectual and spiritual and apologetic questions. They've heard me in person leading and challenging men in groups of 15 or 30 at a weekly luncheon, scripture-based debates, Bible studies. They didn't see a perfect dad.

Maybe I overdid it sometimes. Maybe I didn't speak clearly other times, but they saw a dad who shows up and keeps trying. You know, it's funny. I learned in football, a very simple principle. As long as you get back up, you're going to win. Quitting is when you get knocked down and you stay down. I don't know if that's a biblical perspective, but I've taught my kids what I've lived out is get back up and fight for your faith again.

Fight for your family, fight for what you believe. You get back up each time. And I've got eight kids who have finished high school. Five of those are out of college. Three of those are married. One, I think maybe in the gay community. One married, no kids, doesn't want kids. One married, has a couple of kids. One married, probably gonna have lots of kids. Some, a little quirky, weird and wonderful. Others, they're missionaries.

everywhere they go. Some intellectual to the point that they are their own detriment. Some so tender and kind and serving others that I literally can't find flaws in them sometimes and have to be reminded that they're human. Each one is on their own faith journey, a coffee shop, a classroom, the workplace. So I've come to this realization dads, it's


how we started. Our lives were firmly planted right in the middle of church. Church wasn't peripheral and our faith was planted right in the middle of our family. had fam jam. We tried to do it every day, which means I probably got it three to five times a week. Sit around for five, 10 or 30 minutes reading a Bible verse, talking about it and age appropriate questions. 5 a.m. in the morning.

five o'clock in the afternoon, sometimes noon, sometimes bedtime, whatever we could fit it in, we would get it in. You know, that's all I can do. I live it out. I put a little structure in place. I surround them with like-minded people going the same place we are. And the rest is up to God. It's up to him to guide them, to shape them, and to contextualize their faith in his time. I grew up in the eighties.

a little bit in the nineties, but the eighties, it's 2025. They've grown up in the two thousands. It's different. The battle's different. The context is different, but the God we serve is the same. He's the same.


I want to go over a little bit of history for you now. So I've learned that there are really two schools of thought about a kid's salvation. There's a gentleman named Horace Bushnell. He was a 19th century pastor. He wrote a, a book called Christian Nurture, and he really threw a wrench in the salvation journey of the day.

Essentially, he said, and I'm paraphrasing, the child is to grow up a Christian and really never know himself as being otherwise. The New Testament said things like he and his household were saved. In other words, build a household so saturated in Christ, in Christ's love, in Christ's grace, that a child's earliest identity is shaped by scripture, by worship, by singing songs.

by repentance, by grace, by love, by service, by selflessness. I think that is at the heart of how I raise kids. But there's another guy you might know the name Jonathan Edwards, very famous for a sermon called sinners in the hands of an angry God. He might be the most brilliant man in American history, according to encyclopedia Britannica, but he emphasized conviction.

He wanted every human adult or child to take personal responsibility. He said they need to declare a definitive moment of surrender. Salvation could not be a journey. had to be a one time decision. Bushnell said, shape the child day by day, week by week, month by month. Edwards said, let the spirit shake the center into salvation. So which is it?

Which do you believe are you supposed to lead your kid, your son, your daughter to that moment of salvation? Or are you supposed to grow and raise your child in scripture and bathe your child in church and in love and in such a close relationship to Christ that they never know a time when they didn't understand Christ's love? I think the answer is both.


because you never know what God has for anybody else. Think about it like this. You cultivate a home that nurtures faith in every way you can, but you leave room for the fire of real repentance. If your child steals a pair, as Saint Augustine said in his writings, then

Let the spirit convict your child of stealing that pear. As Augustine said, I stole a pear and I don't even like pears. I just wanted to steal. God will work eventually to bring that child to repentance. So you build the altar and expect the fire, train your kids and call them to decision when the time is right.

So speaking of markers, I was thinking about Joshua chapter four, when the Israelites crossed the river Jordan and God told them, put an altar of 12 stones right in the middle of the dry river bed. They built an altar, a milestone, a physical measure in the middle of a river that was about to flood over. Now I don't know if you could see this altar when the river was flowing.

Or if it was just there to remind them, we can't see it, but we know in the middle of that river, that's where we crossed. I've baptized my own children, some of them, not all of them. I've seen them cry. I've seen them give me hugs coming out of the water. I've seen the joy, experienced the moment, but baptism isn't the finish line. It's not the trophy. It's, it's like you raise your flag before you go into battle. It's the start of something.

not the end. Now that's baptism, communion, confirmation, mission trips, marriage. Pick your milestone.


but without a daily walk, like I said, in between those milestones, it's just a ritual. It's empty. It's a social media photo. It's not transformative.

What gives milestones the meaning is what happens before and after. Do your kids learn to confess their sins quietly to whomever they need to speak to? Do they learn to serve without bringing attention to themselves? Do they learn through your example to read scriptures daily a verse, a chapter, a whole book? There's really no wrong answer.

Do they learn to own their decisions to endure trials with faith? Guys, this is not what you want to see your kids do. You don't want to see them suffer, but the only way for them to grow in their faith is to suffer in their faith. Sometimes they make mistakes like we do because they're just stupid people like we are. Sometimes it's a wrong. They get wronged and you get really upset and want to intervene. And I'm not saying you shouldn't, but that

will also affect how they grow. So think about those milestones. They matter, but the obedience between milestones matters more.

I've seen faith that sticks. I don't know if it's a formula. In fact, I know that it's not a formula. I've raised kids in church and you know what? None of them have ended up in crazyville. They haven't revolted against Christianity, embraced some sort of, you know, satanic whatever. But I don't know.

deeply exactly what any of my kids really believes. I look at their lives, their lifestyles. I can say based on what I see, based on what I hear, based on what I observe, they seem to have a faith that sticks. They're living their lives, even if it's not out loud with a message or a banner, they're living their lives in a way that shows me what they believe.

There's a verse in the book of Psalms. It's a Psalm 119 verse 67. says, before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I obey your word. And what the Psalmist is saying there is before the suffering, the hardships, it was easy for me to wander off. But now after I've endured these hardships, these afflictions, I obey your word.

That means I want to obey your word. I strive to obey your word. I seek to obey your word. And then I do obey your word. Dads, I know it's hard to watch your kids suffer, but if you protect them from every hardship.

Don't be surprised if they don't know how to suffer. Well, remember I told you how I have my kids emancipated. I believed that our children were being raised in such a nice, wonderful lifestyle that I literally needed to add some hardship. Now I don't think any of them like it and I got divorced and so some of them saw that as a hardship, which it was, but I've got


eight kids out of high school and you know what? All eight of those kids are paying for college or did pay for college themselves. They had loans, scholarships, they worked and they understand the value of hard work in a era and in a time of entitled kids and being raised around a lot of wealth, which I don't judge. I don't be grudge, but they have put their nose to the grindstone.

I want your faith in your kids to do the same thing. I've been on mission trips. I've served on church retreats. I've been to the malls and evangelized. I've coached my kids in T ball and soccer and basketball. I've done it all, but until they have a faith that, that they own, it's, it's just not going to be as real. So let them see your pain, dad. Let them know that you're hurting at an age appropriate level.

Let them see you worship however you worship out loud or in private. Tell them when your prayers have not been answered because God will either say three things. He'll say yes, he'll say no, or he'll say wait. Oftentimes he says, wait, let them see and hear your repentance in your own life, not just your correction in their lives. Again,

Your values are caught not taught. Your faith is caught not taught. But it still must be taught. The Bible says, how can they convert if no one preaches the gospel to them? You can't outsource it, you can't fake it, you can't write a check and pass it off on somebody else.


So what do do dads? How do we process this without all the fuss of getting your son or your daughter into the kingdom? Well one, it's not your job to get anybody into heaven. It's your job to respond to your faith the way you hear God calling you. Drop the guilt. There's nothing to be guilty about. Right or wrong, start over today. Stop performing.

If you're trying to look good, just be real, commit to doing something that you learned today. Just pick one thing and put into practice. Remember you're not responsible for the outcome of your child's faith, but you are responsible for showing them what you do with yours and they might do the opposite or they might follow you closely. First Corinthians says you have to plant the seed.

or water the soil or pull the weeds, but God causes the growth. So a couple of takeaways, if you will. One, tell your kids your real faith story. You can break it down when they're younger, but as they get older, tell them, you know what? I was struggling here, here and here when I was a teenager. Here's how I overcame it or here's how I didn't.

Don't give them a polished version. Give them a messy, grace filled, grace soaked, honest version. They can handle it. They know you're not perfect by the time they're teenagers. How about when your little ones or your big ones are growing up? Hey, how was that for you? What was your baptism like? What was your communion like? What was it like when you made this decision of faith or that decision to do this? Have them tell you what it meant.

to them. And finally, model repentance this week. You're not doing it perfectly dads. You're not morally superior. Let them know, man, this week I drove like a maniac. I was so stressed out about getting to work.

Tomorrow I'm gonna celebrate those in front of me. Hey, go right ahead. I'll let you take this lane. Whatever, you pick it, Dad. So let's not just raise kids who check a box. Let's raise kids who have character. And character is simply defined as what you do when no one else is watching. Let's raise kids who love truth, who love grace.

and they put on the skin, the flesh of Christ in everything they do. And they can give an answer in season and out of season for the faith they have. And finally, let's not be the dad who pressures the kid. Let's be the dad whose kids say, you know, I had a great dad. I had an okay dad. I even had a bad dad. But I learned that my faith is mine. He didn't pressure me into it.

and he made it almost impossible for me not to believe in God. That is faith without fuss. Let's live it, let's do it. Remember dads, we're in this together. Now go out, have a great week, you can do this.