Hey Smart Dads, welcome back to another edition of the Smart.

You know, there's a saying that I've picked up over the years and it's pretty simple. It goes like this. You train other people how to treat you or we train other people how to treat us or even more personally, I train other people how to treat me. Today's episode is about this powerful

yet subtle reminder that we have to train other people how to treat us. It includes our kids, our spouse, our coworkers, and even our critics who might not get our choices. I've talked to a lot of guys over the years and most of us never slow down long enough to ask, how do I actually want to be treated? Or if we've started the process,

We've never crystallized it, so we can't communicate it. And if we don't communicate it clearly, how can we expect anyone else to respond? Well, so today I'm going to walk you through my journey over the past 30 plus years through three rough phases of my life, each one represented by a Labrador retriever. Yes. I said ruff

phases. Dad joke groan. had Pete and then Titus and then buddy. Each of these dogs has reflected really who I was at various points in my life. My mindset, my parenting, my marriage, my confidence, and even yeah, my, my chaos. let's, be honest here.

And recently I've had the privilege of working with motivation code or MCode and I've done that professionally and now integrated it into my life personally. took this assessment, told some stories about myself, answered some questions and then received a report. Guys, my personal report confirmed what I already knew deep down inside.

I'm wired to maximize. I'm wired to pursue mastery. I'm wired to meet the challenge and overcome it. And I'm wired to make an impact. It gave me the efficiency of language to be able to express to others things that I used to just only feel. And I didn't know exactly how to say them. So that's what this episode is about.

finding the language that lets you lead your life, your family, and your future with intention. So let's start with Pete. And by the end, I think you'll have a few simple tools that you can use to define your own terms, just like I did through the devastation, through the divorce, and through all the dog hair. Think back to 2001. For me, I was 27.

I was full of fire. I rescue Pete. He was a yellow lab from my mom's neighborhood. She actually found him, looked for a home, couldn't find him. I said, you know what? I've got, I don't know, four or five kids. Why not add a little fun to the family? So we brought him in and I trained him relentlessly every day. One, two, three times a day sitting, lying down, healing, walking, waiting, stopping.

And ultimately I was able to get him where he could walk anywhere with me without a leash. He could stop on a dime. He could follow every command. A squirrel could be running by a cat and an armadillo, another dog. And he would sit and wait until I told him to go. People were amazed. I wish my dog were that good. And honestly, that was my personal and professional brand in my twenties and thirties.

Very simple, I had high expectations, zero excuses, and full control. I got married at 20, had six kids before I hit 30, and 10 kids before I hit 40. People at church told me, hey, wait till you get married before you do that. And I said, you know what, I will. And I did. And when I got married, I did it a lot. Had lots of kids, and those same people looked at me said, what are you doing?

Are you crazy? Why are you having so many kids? Where did you get that idea? Some of them weren't undermining me outright, but they were all confused. Some chuckled, some questioned my sanity, but nobody wise stepped in and said, Hey, this is a valuable thing. Keep going. So I got louder. I got more certain.

more determined, more argumentative. I wanted to explain my belief system and defend it. At home, I wanted my kids to prove that I had made the right choice. They were structured. When I was there, I was the provider and the protector and the boss. I expected my home to be run like clockwork, dishes done when? After the meal.

Definitely before bedtime. Rooms clean. When? Every night before bedtime, every morning before you leave the house. No talking back. I want yes sir and no sir and yes ma'am and no ma'am. I didn't want chaos. I told my kids, just because there are lots of us doesn't mean there needs to be lots of chaos. And you know what's so interesting? Pete was the perfect mirror. He was obedient. He was dialed in. But he had been trained.

by force of will. Looking back, I can see it more clearly now. The code really helps me see I was training people to treat me like I was in charge. I was training my kids to see me as a commander, not as a dad. I wanted results, probably more than I wanted relationship. In fact, I didn't really even define

what strength meant and I didn't define what a strong relationship meant. Again, with MCode's help, now I can look back and I can say, what I should have said back then was treat me with admiration by recognizing my ability to persevere. Acknowledge when I've maximized a tough situation and come out on top. See, that's where M-Code comes in. It doesn't tell you who you should be.

It tells you how you're wired to thrive, what motivates you. At that point in my life, I actually was living my top three motivations, maximize, mastery, and overcome. Maximize is getting the best out of every system, every person, every opportunity. I was doing that. Mastery is learning how to do things perfectly. I was trying to do it all perfectly. And overcome, that's just...

being around longer than your challenge, outlasting and defeating the mountain in front of you. But I didn't yet know at that age how to define what I needed from others. You know, I didn't know how I wanted to be treated. I just thought, well, I'm going to keep working hard and I guess the world will figure it out. But guys, that's not how it happens. So here's your first point of reflection, smart dads.

If you're like I was in that Pete phase of life right now, ask yourself, have you clearly defined what respect looks like? Have you clearly defined what admiration looks like? Put in the word you want. Have you clearly defined what blank looks like? Something you value and you want from others. Have you told anyone? Have you discovered it yourself? If not, start there. Clarity is leadership.

but life had more lessons and more dogs. Enter Titus. Things got a lot messier, but a little bit better before Pete passed away. But after the family asteroid of chaos blew up in my life and Valentine's 2012, we got Titus. He was a young, untrained.

purebred black lab. was a little small for his litter, but he came to us with another dog, a wild and crazy dog, who actually ran away very quickly. And we had one well-trained dog, and all of a sudden we had three dogs. Two of them were puppies six months or younger, and it was just chaos. Well, fast forward.

to the last day of 2018. My first wife and I were working out the details of our divorce. She had Titus. Titus was overweight. He was unkempt, left outside alone or tied up to a post inside the house. I couldn't do anything about it during the divorce. Finally, that day I had a chance to get in and sort of rescue him and rehabilitate him. So I did.

And then I brought him home and I exercised him and I fed him and I brushed him and I bathed him, got him healthy. Slowly. He lost the weight. The doc said 55 to 60 pounds. We got him down to 55 to 60 pounds. All the energy, all the kindness, all the loyalty was there. And not because I trained him the way I trained Pete, because I invested, I threw the ball up and down the hill. I walked with him.

let him off the leash, called his name, hugged him, wrestled with him. We were having a good time and we were actually really good for each other. He was my therapy dog in that crazy transition period of my life. And again, he mirrored what was happening in my life. You know, they say no good marriage ends in divorce. While I was trying to escape a bad marriage alive, I was trying to start a new one.

I was still trying to raise all the kids I brought into this world and trying to raise a new one. I was just bringing into the world and I got to say dads, whether you're blending families, yours, hers and y'all's or you're resetting priorities in your family you have now, or if you're just navigating some change that's coming upon you, this phase should hit home with you. See, I wasn't barking commands anymore.

I wasn't trying to take control. was trying to coach, trying to guide, and even trying to build the respect by respecting others first and being consistent. I was still intense. I am still intense, but the intensity was shifting from that commanding control to that trust and understand. People still had their opinions about me, my family.

the path I was on, the decisions we were making. But at that point, I just said, you know, I live differently than you do. You don't have to get it. And that was new for me. That was liberating for me. I just didn't need to defend my moves anymore. That's what lawyers were for. That's what accountants were for. That's what therapists were for. I was trying to figure out just how to get through the day alive and wake up the next morning.

Looking back, MCode really could have helped me here. Again, during this phase, two motivations that I have really stood out, meet the challenge and overcome. Meet the challenge just says, I'm wired to run, to sprint, to head right toward hard things and overcome. just grow stronger with resistance. I will be the last one standing. I now realize something important. I was able to

to meet the toughest relational and legal and financial challenges of my lifetime. I did have grit, but I tried to face it with grace as well. I didn't have to dominate every conversation, prove every point, defend where I was, and I was not in a great spot. Wow, that was so tough for me. It was so stressful. I lost 50 pounds in maybe 50 weeks. I was just trying to...

survive and wake up each day. Titus, this guy, he helped me redefine how I wanted to be treated. I wanted a partnership. I didn't want to lead a dictatorship. I wanted mutual support, not resentful support. I wanted admiration that came from walking through tough stuff together, not just nodding along and obligation.

So dads, here's another Smart Dad reflection moment.

Is there any point, any spot anywhere in your life where you're still commanding, but maybe you need to start coaching? Is there anywhere you're dominating and maybe you need to be daddying? So try this this week, say this out loud. Here's how I want to be treated. Not because I'm the boss, but because I value our connection.

And then tell that person how you want to be treated. You're not being needy. You're not being a little girl. You're being clear. And that is another part of leadership. Well, for me, that patience paid off. Set the stage for the next guy. Buddy. Buddy is where chill finally won. We still have Titus. And three Christmases ago,

My wife said, I want a puppy. So we got a buddy. Buddy is a white lab, pure bread, and he sheds everywhere. I'm not kidding. On my couch, on my carpet, I've had dog hair in my socks, in my shirts, in my blankets, in my underwear, even in my mouth during zoom calls. But I love this dog. He's amazing because now, now I've let go of

I don't know the the the need the desire to control everything. Even naming this little guy was done by a vote. All the family voted. Buddy is goofy. He's playful. He's energetic. He's affectionate. He's a solid 75 pounds and he is a lean muscle machine. Yet he's gentle and he fits right in with our home with me, my wife and my youngest seven kids.

These days, I'm not trying to impress anybody in the neighborhood or in the church or in the community or anywhere. I'm not defending how many kids I have. I have 15 kids. I don't have to explain my convictions to you, but I do want to live them. And you know what? I think it's working. Even with 15 kids, I've always been deeply involved. We've dated, we've walked, we've talked, we've hung out.

We've traveled. I've coached them. I've taken them to sporting events. I've taken them in the car for a ride. I've put them to bed. I've woken them up. I've fed them. I've cooked for them. I've dreamed with them. I've read with them. I just, that's what I do. Most people with two or three kids tell me, man, you put more energy into each one of your kids than I do into mine. Well, it's not a comparison.

I have a level of connection that I've enjoyed and I'm not better than anybody else. I'm just clear. I want to spend time with my kids. Now, maybe sometimes I was too demanding, but I was, I was always clear about what I wanted. Maybe sometimes I was too focused, but I was always clear about what I wanted. Now I figured out how I want to be treated. I want to be treated with mutual respect.

I wouldn't have a relationship built on joy and on trust. And I just try to live it first. I let everyone else gawk. It's actually kind of funny, because I think that they think that I actually care what they think. It's amazing. My M-Code taught me that one of my biggest drivers is to make an impact. You see, I'm not just trying to succeed.

I want to shape the world around me, my world. Starting at home. So here's the deal. When you're clear about your values, your needs and your convictions, dad, you stop trying to prove it, especially to people who don't matter. You start building peace where it does matter. Here's another smart dad reflection. Who in your life still gets access to your weaknesses?

to your insecurities, to your questions. Why do you let them in? Who are you trying to convince instead of simply love? If they don't matter, don't let them in. But to someone you do love, to someone who does matter, I want you to try to define one clear expectation this week. Like for me, I would say, respecting me means acknowledging my time with prompt communication.

because I'm wired to make an impact through shared efforts. That's why I want you to respond to my texts, not because I'm a dictator or I'm demanding of you. Or maybe you could say, supporting me looks like this, asking questions before offering advice. So those are for me. Now you can figure yours out and then go out and live it. You don't need to bark, just be the kind of dad and the kind of man.

Others will naturally respect. So I have a three, two, one Smart Dad Challenge for you this week. Here's the final touch. Three ways you're always training people. You ready? By what you accept, by what you model, and by what you reinforce. Guys, what are you accepting from other people? What are you modeling to other people? What are you reinforcing when you do that?

And then two, there are two relationships this week I want you to think about doing an audit for. One with a kid, one with an adult. With your kid, are you commanding or are you coaching?

What do you want to be doing? And then with an adult, are you clear? Can you be clear with an adult how you want to be treated? This week, do an audit. One kid, one adult. And finally, one action step. Say it out loud this week. Get your words your way. Here's how I want to be treated. Because here's what matters to me. If you don't know what matters to you, take the code. 19 bucks? Dude, you can't go wrong.

It'll help you find out, it'll help you uncover, it'll reveal these things that you didn't really know and it'll give you the language to say that mine showed me I'm wired to overcome obstacles. So I can now articulate that to other people. Guys, you don't need permission, you don't need to win, you need to just define what winning is, live it boldly, and then just let your impact speak for you.

So that's it for today. Go love your people. Go lead them with clarity and go train your world by showing up being rooted and being real. And if you are interested in exploring the value of MCode in your business or in your family, with your spouse, with your high school, college kids, even with your church, let me know. Reach out.

19 bucks, it's a great investment. Until next time on the Smart Dad Podcast, go out and be a smart dad today. We can do this together dads. You've got this.